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Workplace Humour

There is a lighter side to workplace bullying and mobbing....

Workers talk about the Bosses

· My boss called a department meeting. He said, "My Boss is visiting today for a plant tour. I want you all to act happy." I said, "But I have to experience that!".
· My boss wants to fire an employee he doesn't like, but after a short meeting he decided not to. He said, "He seems to have a little cash right now. I'm going to wait until he's more vulnerable".
· My Boss is like sushi. He's raw.
· When my Boss gets mad he throws papers and pencils and kicks over the trash can. We call him El-Mean you.
· In a recent discussion, my Boss said, "I think you prefer your idea just because it's better than mine".
· Overhead at a meeting: "I just okayed that decision, I didn't approve it".
· My Boss, during his first interview with a handicapped job applicant: "You know I don't have much contact with handicapped people. What's it like parking up close at the mall all the time?"
· I work for a large communications firm. After some "downsizing" in our department, a group of us went to the big Boss and asked about our job security. He replied: "You are 100% secure".
Two days later, we got pink slips for a month-end layoff!!!!
The following week the President came to speak to us. He said, "I know you have gotten conflicting information in the past, but yours will be the last layoff for now!!! That should make you feel better".
· "This is the conclusion. I need you to create some facts to support it".
· "It's okay if the analysis is flawed, the conclusion is correct".

Office jargon

1. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops all over everything and then leaves.
3. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
4. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
5. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
6. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop over the walls to see what's going on.
7. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
8. Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance".
9. Downsizing - Decruitment.
10. Depression: anger without enthusiasm.

Cutting Costs

Due to the current financial status of the company, all employees are encouraged to adopt the following cost cutting measures:
Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Transportation
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorised in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilised, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars.
This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

Strategic Management

In the Beginning was the Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh"
And the workers went unto the Supervisors and sayeth
"It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odour thereof"
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
Such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength".
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong".
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful".
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency
of this Organization, and in these areas in particular".
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and the Plan became Policy.
This is How Shit Happens.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
8. I do not suffer from stress - I'm a carrier....
9. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
10. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

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